I have a dilemma.
On the one hand, Messiah rehearsals for our local Easter concert start at the end of this month. Based on how things have traditionally been done, solo auditions will most likely be held at the second rehearsal, which would be the first weekend in March. I am so thrilled about the possibility of singing in another Messiah performance--something that seemed so unlikely last year.
On the other hand, I have been eager to take my son to Chicago during his spring break from school, in early March. I have been telling him about the Museum of Science and Industry, which was a favorite childhood attraction and field trip location when I was growing up there. He has been very excited about going.
On another hand (or foot, or elbow, or whatever), based on my current treatment regimen, I would need to be in Dallas for lab testing and chemotherapy during that spring break week. At least I hope this is the case, because the alternative would be a bad MRI result this week, telling us that my treatment isn't working anymore. But, hoping for the best, I figured the best way to manage this would be to back the trip up a few days and return home early in the week. It would put us in Chicago during the first weekend in March, plus a couple of days.
It sounded good, and there are some good travel deals available online. Right before I clicked on the perfect flight, it occurred to me that by doing so I would create a scheduling conflict that would make myself (and my husband) unavailable for Messiah auditions.
I'm just so darn happy to be alive and capable of making plans for this spring. So which memorable, grab-the-gusto life experience do I choose? Do I forfeit Messiah so that I can have this special family experience? Or do I disappoint my son so that I can make use of the talents that have been miraculously preserved for me, by singing praises to the One who made all of this possible?
Since the idea of disappointing my son is so repellent to me, I think the decision will be made in his favor. Hopefully, however, I will find some way to make both opportunities happen. And hopefully the answer will not be to have a catastrophic tumor recurrence that frees up the whole spring break week for me. ("Chemotherapy isn't working anymore, so just go live your life while you can...")
I'm hoping that a make-up audition might be possible. (Still waiting for an answer about that.) I'm hoping that some other creative solution will pop up. If not, my son wins and I will just have to sing extra loud in the choir if I want my voice to be heard. And maybe I'll just have to keep living long enough for another opportunity to sing my favorite music.
Meanwhile, I can't help but marvel at how lucky I am to even have this kind of a problem. I am eight days away from my original 14-month prognosis. I'm very nervous about this week's MRI, but right now I'm alive with the hopes of being able to make plans for the spring.
I currently have access to chemotherapy that worked wonders, based on December's MRI, and there is hope that it will continue. It has been amazingly tolerable, which makes it available to me for as long as it continues to work. We'll know within a few days whether that gets to continue.
And I have the ability to sing, despite all of the chaos in my right brain. Only the Lord knows how much that means to me. I have also been blessed to learn, appreciate, and enjoy the music of Handel's Messiah for a long time.
Although I am very eager to resolve this dilemma, I feel very grateful that this dilemma was created by an abundance of blessings and opportunities. Even if I have to give something up, I still get to do something wonderful--something that contributes to this year's resolution: live.