Friday, December 30, 2011

My Choice

I have a friend who's life, unfortunately, parallels mine in many ways.  Her husband passed away a few months before Krista and she has a couple of children still at home she needs to raise on her own.  Because of this and many other reasons, she is someone that totally "gets" my situation.  We've had many discussions about our trials and how we've dealt with them and I've learned a lot from her as she has been one step ahead of me in her journey.

Yesterday we started talking about whether or not we would have chosen this life if we had known our spouses would pass away while still raising children at a relatively young age (yes, 46 is still young).  We discussed this for a while and I couldn't decide one way or another.  I've had a wonderful life with Krista, she's been my best friend for decades and I still love her with all my heart.  But, the pain of her loss, the aching to feel her near and the longing to be with her again has been much more than I could have imagined.  I accept that there's a reason for her passing and I know it's for the best but that doesn't help me like it or want it if I had the choice.

Early this morning before I woke up for the day I had a dream.  Typically I don't remember much of what I dream about but I remember this one in detail.  I had traveled back in time to when we were in high school (yes I even have geeky dreams).  It was when Krista and I had been dating for a while and our love was just beginning to grow.  Krista was there and was so happy to see me and I was amazed at how beautiful she was. She looked just like she did back then and the love that radiated through her smile was just the same as it had always been.  Yet, she didn't know that I was from our future.  I looked at her and realized that she didn't know how our story would unfold, our trials and struggles and ultimately her returning to our Heavenly Father much sooner than hoped for.  I also knew that if I told her it would affect her decision to marry me and I could potentially lose all of the good times, the hard times and those tender times when all we could do was to cry on each others shoulder for comfort.  I knew if I told her she would want to spare me of the pain and heartache I have experienced by her death.

Here was my time to choose.  Would I tell her and jeopardize the decades of joy with her and the eternities to come or would I keep quite and accept our lives as I knew they would unfold?  Instantly I knew what my choice was.  This was my sweetheart, I would walk through hell and back for her.  I would endure all that would be asked of me including being without her for a while for the hope of eternity with her.  Yes, this is the path I would choose.

6 comments:

Sienna said...

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Teri said...

Thank you for sharing. I love your choice. It's a tough choice to be sure. I would hope to make the same choice if ever called upon. This has made me pause and think about my own life and current choices. Even my future choices. Life is truly just a whole bunch of choices, one after another, isn't it? Happy New Year to the Oakes Family!

Teri said...

Thanks for sharing this. Made me pause and think of many things. I would hope that we'd all have the strength to choose as you did. Truly life is a whole bunch of choices, one after another. May you all be blessed with a wonderful and happy New Year!

Melanie said...

This was great!

Anonymous said...

Beautifully written and inspiring to me. Thank you.

Swan Mom said...

Jared,
I have been silent on this blog for a while because I am still struggling to accept Krista's passing. But this post was very moving, and, I'm sure, divinely inspired. In your unknowing, you chose wisely.

I am so sorry for your pain, but in at least one way you are a lucky man. When Krista left this world she was in some ways the same as she was when as she came into it: beautiful, pure, and loved. But the world she left will never be the same because she was in it. Knowing that she is still beside you, and always will be, is the greatest condolence you can ever have.

I wish you the very best.
Marnie