I come by it honestly, as a third-generation insomniac. For as long as I can remember (even way back in my B.C. life) I would lie in bed with a steady stream of thoughts that wouldn't quiet down. Sometimes they would be worries. Sometimes it would just be a song that persistently replayed in my head. Sometimes they are just random thoughts - happy, sad, neutral, whatever - that want their time onstage.
One thing that has fascinated (and pleasantly surprised) me is how well I have slept in my A.D. life. That is, until very recently.
June 1 is my next MRI scan - the next peek into my brain to see if anything is growing there. Meanwhile, I am to be aware of - and report - any neurological symptoms, including the return of seizures. Thankfully (knocking wood) I have not had seizures for a long time. But I have a terrible fear of them returning, not only because they are so unpleasant, but because they may signal disease progression. I have an uneasy feeling about this upcoming scan and such an awful fear of seizures, that I am hyper-sensitive and paranoid about anything that comes close to a seizure. Any time I feel deja-vu, or start to feel a rise in my stomach, or even if I come near anything that has a strong smell, I start to panic and wonder if a seizure is coming on. And then I wonder if I am going to have a hysterical seizure simply because I am so afraid of them. Also, because these seizures started with the "smell nightmares" - where I would wake up with adrenaline rushing, followed by a funny smell - I have a fear of going to sleep and waking up with one of those again. On a few occasions - like tonight - I would start to fall asleep but would wake up with adrenaline rushing and heart racing. Over and over again. No funny smell, though, so hopefully I'm just experiencing some anxiety.
I read somewhere that if you embrace fear, it will fall asleep in your arms. I keep reminding myself that - okay - even if I have a seizure, it doesn't necessarily mean there is disease progression. And even if there is disease progression, it doesn't necessarily mean that the game is over. Acknowledging the fear helps minimize it down from a big monster to a little baby that will hopefully fall asleep in my arms.
And hopefully I can finally fall asleep in my husband's arms...