Thursday, May 25, 2006

Insomnia

I come by it honestly, as a third-generation insomniac. For as long as I can remember (even way back in my B.C. life) I would lie in bed with a steady stream of thoughts that wouldn't quiet down. Sometimes they would be worries. Sometimes it would just be a song that persistently replayed in my head. Sometimes they are just random thoughts - happy, sad, neutral, whatever - that want their time onstage.

One thing that has fascinated (and pleasantly surprised) me is how well I have slept in my A.D. life. That is, until very recently.

June 1 is my next MRI scan - the next peek into my brain to see if anything is growing there. Meanwhile, I am to be aware of - and report - any neurological symptoms, including the return of seizures. Thankfully (knocking wood) I have not had seizures for a long time. But I have a terrible fear of them returning, not only because they are so unpleasant, but because they may signal disease progression. I have an uneasy feeling about this upcoming scan and such an awful fear of seizures, that I am hyper-sensitive and paranoid about anything that comes close to a seizure. Any time I feel deja-vu, or start to feel a rise in my stomach, or even if I come near anything that has a strong smell, I start to panic and wonder if a seizure is coming on. And then I wonder if I am going to have a hysterical seizure simply because I am so afraid of them. Also, because these seizures started with the "smell nightmares" - where I would wake up with adrenaline rushing, followed by a funny smell - I have a fear of going to sleep and waking up with one of those again. On a few occasions - like tonight - I would start to fall asleep but would wake up with adrenaline rushing and heart racing. Over and over again. No funny smell, though, so hopefully I'm just experiencing some anxiety.

I read somewhere that if you embrace fear, it will fall asleep in your arms. I keep reminding myself that - okay - even if I have a seizure, it doesn't necessarily mean there is disease progression. And even if there is disease progression, it doesn't necessarily mean that the game is over. Acknowledging the fear helps minimize it down from a big monster to a little baby that will hopefully fall asleep in my arms.

And hopefully I can finally fall asleep in my husband's arms...

5 comments:

bryny said...

Facing the same MRI on June 6 I can identify with the anxiety about the results. I think though that the Restoril that they prescribed as a sleep aid is helping to take the edge off of that. It is a first cousin to valium after all. We've talked about pulling off of it, but I think I want to get through the peak anxiety days before I experiment with changing anything that seems to be working. Actually, the anxiety seems to be gnawing at Deanne (my wife) more than it is on me. Maybe I should start sneaking some of the Restoril into her food..

Good luck with your scan. We are praying that it is clean.

-rje

http://www.bryny.com/log

bryny said...

Facing the same MRI on June 6 I can identify with the anxiety about the results. I think though that the Restoril that they prescribed as a sleep aid is helping to take the edge off of that. It is a first cousin to valium after all. We've talked about pulling off of it, but I think I want to get through the peak anxiety days before I experiment with changing anything that seems to be working. Actually, the anxiety seems to be gnawing at Deanne (my wife) more than it is on me. Maybe I should start sneaking some of the Restoril into her food..

Good luck with your scan. We are praying that it is clean.

-rje

http://www.bryny.com/log

Teri S. said...

Hang in there Krista! I wish I could make it all better for you, but many are praying for you, and if it's His will, the Lord can make it all better for you. :o) Have a wondeful day!!! We love you!!!

Lorraine said...

Hi again Krista,
Brett had similar problems. Insomnia, feeling anxious at night, worrying about seizures. A few reassuring words. They gave him a small dose of Ativan for anxiety, small dose of Restoril for sleeping, and he hasn't had an problem since. He has had a couple of seizure but said after surgery, radiation and chemo, that they were about 1/4 of the intensity of the first (before treatment). He only had seizures when his medication was not at theraputic levels. So keep your levels checked and you should have no problems. If you do have an aura (smell seizure) tell your doctor - sometimes they will put you on a second seizure medicine. Hope this helps. It sounds to me like you are doing GREAT!

Lorraine

Anonymous said...

Girl, you know I am always up...Give me a call on those times you can't sleep. I'm always good for a laugh or two.

Love ya and praying for ya!

Jeri