Happy Mother's Day

To all the women who have used their divine traits of motherhood to help me and my family. To the many angels who have donated countless hours of selfless service to us. To those who drove Krista to her various treatments, brought us meals, cleaned our home, sang carols to us, watched Jacob and Emma, provided gifts, cookies and candy. To those women who shared words of love and support and countless comforting hugs. And to those who offered help no matter what the need may be. Thank you and happy Mother's Day.

Children isn't what makes a woman a mother. It's the selfless love unique to them that they share with others that counts. So many women have touched our lives with this love and have uplifted our spirits and brought joy and peace to our hearts. Though I'm not directly related to most of you I consider you all like a mother to me and my family. I wish you all a wonderful Mother's Day.

Tradition!

"A fiddler on the roof. Sounds crazy, no? But here, in our little village of Anatevka, you might say every one of us is a fiddler on the roof trying to scratch out a pleasant, simple tune without breaking his neck. It isn't easy. You may ask 'Why do we stay up there if it's so dangerous?' Well, we stay because Anatevka is our home. And how do we keep our balance? That I can tell you in one word: tradition!"

As many of you know we've developed a lot of traditions in our family. Holidays, birthdays, adoption days, sealing days and many more. Like in the quote above from Tevye, the main character in "Fiddler on the Roof", that's one way we keep our balance.

Last month started what we fondly call "the season of Jacob". It starts on March 13th with his birthday and ends with his sealing day on June 9th. In between those days we also celebrate his homecoming day and his adoption day. And as if that's not enough Krista and I celebrated our kiss-aversary on May 17th, the day Krista and I first kissed (that will have to be another blog post).

So last month's celebrations started with Jacob's birthday. Krista had it planned out many months ago. Jake was turning 10 so we would have a bowling party. 10 pins for 10 years. And keeping with tradition this also meant one more picture to add to our cake madness album. I know this tradition meant a lot to her and I made sure all went to plan. Having the party outside our home made it a lot easier than in years past. Jacob loved the party, he has always enjoyed bowling but I think what he liked best was that all his friends that came were girls. Despite adoption the acorn doesn't fall far from the tree with this one.

In past years Krista and I would make the cake together but now I had to do it myself. We hadn't agreed on what the cake would be. We talked about several different options but never decided what we were going to make. Ideas ranged from a single pin to a whole bowling lane complete with a ball and cupcake pins. The thought crossed my mind several times to just order it from a bakery and not worry about it but I didn't want to give in to changing what has been our tradition for 10 years now. So after a lot of worrying about it I decided to make a bowling ball cake. I didn't know how to do it but that had never stopped us in the past. Luckily, while looking for things to make Emma's bat habitat at Hobby Lobby I stumbled across a ball cake pan. It came with two hemispherical pans that each made half of the ball. All you had to do is make each half of the cake and put them together with frosting. How hard could it be? I also decided to have a base the ball would sit on making it look somewhat like a trophy. It looked quite simple, at least at first. I must have spend about 5 hours working on the cake before I was happy with it. It shouldn't have surprised me since most of the cakes have taken that long with both Krista and I working on them. It's a small price to pay to keep the tradition going.

Our next celebration was Jacob's homecoming day. We brought Jake home from the hospital two days after he was born. Ever since then we would get a family portrait to celebrate his addition to our family. I didn't want Krista to not be in the pictures. She is still a part of our family and will always be. So I decided to bring a portrait of her for us to hold in the pictures. The photographer was very understanding especially when she heard our story. The pictures turned out great, despite my unphotogenic nature. I just missed Krista being there. We always enjoyed our family picture days and it was hard to not have her there in person.

The season of Jacob will continue with his adoption day and end with his sealing day. This is our favorite part of the season. It's the day we celebrate him being sealed to our family for time and all eternity. With the sealing power we will enjoy our family relationships throughout the eternities, never to be separated again. I look forward to the day when I'm called home to my maker. To wrap my arms around my sweetheart and together kneel at our Savior's feet and thank him for all he has done for us.

Traditions are important, but it's more important that they teach us eternal truths and strengthen our will to do all we can to follow our Savior's example so that we can return to Him.

Now I just need to figure out what to do for Emma's birthday...

Someone to Watch Over Me

On Valentine's Day 2008 I received a CD from my sweetheart with several songs she had recorded. One of them was the song above "Someone to Watch Over Me". I have heard Krista sing this many times over the past several years. I still remember the look in her eyes as she would sing it to me. The love she expressed through this song was more than any words could describe. I felt honored and humbled that she would trust me to be the one to watch over her.

Lately I have felt as if the roles have reversed and she is watching over me and our family. I know Krista continues to have a role my life even though she has left this mortal existence. A week ago we had a close call with a drunk driver who narrowly missed hitting us head on as we were driving home. At the last moment he swerved and just brushed our car with his bumper. I posted about this on Facebook shortly after it happened. Upon seeing this post an old high school friend commented with the following: "It is a good thing you have God and a beautiful angel watching over you and the children...". I have to agree. I have a beautiful angel watching over me and our children.

Death isn't and end, it's a new beginning and through the ordinances of the Temple and the Priesthood of God we can enjoy the same family bonds that are created in this life. I know this to be true and am thankful for the peace this knowledge brings to me at this time. I look forward to the day that I'm with my sweetheart again, to walk hand in hand and enjoy the same love we had for each other in this life. I am very thankful for a beautiful angel that watches over me.

Friends

About 12 years ago I was a primary teacher in the Plano 3rd Ward. If I remember correctly the children in the class were about 11 years old. What I do remember is one of the boys whose name was Edgar. He always impressed me with his bright countenance and constant smile and every time I think of him a smile comes to my face.

A few years ago, shortly after Krista's diagnosis I ran into him at church. He was in his late teens at the time but could only walk with the assistance of crutches. He had been diagnosed with the same cancer as Krista was but it was closer to his brain stem and had already affected his motor functions. Despite this he still had that ever present smile on his face.

Krista and I kept in touch with him and his mother Liliana over the next few years. We would find comfort in each other knowing we all shared the same trial. A couple of years ago we ran into them at the Dallas temple. Krista and I had just finished an endowment session and were walking to our car. Edgar and his mother were about to leave the temple themselves. Edgar was in a wheel chair now and had lost almost all control of his body. Yet he was beaming with joy. Not only was he able to receive his own endowments but he had just done his father's temple work so that they could be together in the eternities. It seemed as if his trial didn't matter anymore. He had the blessing of the temple for himself and his family and whatever happened next was fine, he knew he was ready. That was the last time we saw him.

Edgar passed away on September 22, 2009. He was a good friend and we were saddened that his life was shorter than expected. But we were happy for him to finish this trial and return back to his Father in Heaven and his earthly father that had passed on before him. I can just imagine how joyous that reunion must have been.

After Krista's memorial services, when we just arrived at the cemetery to dedicate her grave, Liniana pulled me aside and whispered to me that her son, Edgar, was buried in the same cemetery, just yards from where Krista was to be buried. I was filled with joy to know this. Krista's body was laid to rest just yards from our friend who had passed away just a little over a year earlier. They were friend in this life and I'm sure that friendship continues even now.

Yesterday, in Sunday School, we were studying Christ's Sermon on the Mount. As we were reading the Beatitudes I was asked to share with the class how the Gospel has comforted me while mourning the loss of my wife and best friend. I shared the experiences, the help and comfort that I was blessed with. When I finished others in the class shared their thoughts and experiences of comfort during times of mourning. As I listened I looked around the room and noticed so many in that room who blessed me and my family with comfort during the last couple of months. As I was gratefully pondering this my eyes fell upon Sister Win Marsh, a wonderful friend and truly an angel. She and her husband had lost several of their children and knew what it meant to mourn. Shortly after Krista's death Win sought me out to talk to me, to share with me their experiences with the loss of a loved one and to let me know what to expect and what was perfectly normal at a time like this. She also happened to be the Relief Society Compassionate Service Leader or as Krista would call it "Captain of the Angels". What a blessing she was in this capacity at this time. She knew what I was going through, what I was feeling and what help I would need without even asking. Many times she would recommend areas of service for my family that I hadn't thought of. She was a great blessing for us when we needed her.

For the last few weeks, while driving in the car, I've been listening to President Thomas S. Monson's biography "To The Rescue". Chapter 26 of his book is titled "There Are No Coincidences". It talks about how people are put in the path of other people's lives for a reason. It not just haphazard or coincidental that certain people have been a part of our lives. I know many people that have been a blessing to me and my family. I'm thankful that I live where I do, that I'm in the ward I'm in, that Jacob and Emma go to the school they go to and that I've been blessed by so many good people. I know they have been put there by the Lord's hand to help us in our time of need. I hope and pray that some day I may return the favor to Him and be of help and comfort to others when the Lord has need of me.

We all have the ability to help, comfort and uplift our fellow men. We each have unique abilities and talents that can bless the lives of others. We need to be ready to seek out those in need so that we may "succor the weak, lift up the hands which hang down, and strengthen the feeble knees" D&C 81:5. If we diligently seek out those in need and listen to the promptings of the Spirit we can be instruments in the Lord's hands to bring comfort to those that stand in need of comfort and further His work here upon the earth.

My Valentine

I remember one day when Krista and I were first dating in High School. We were standing in the lunch line together and just talking. I kept noticing a funny look on Krista's face, it was as though she was trying to redirect my attention away from her to something on the other side of the room. I looked around and didn't notice anything odd so I looked back at her with an inquisitive look. She then looked up at the top of the wall eyes gleaming with pride. I turned and looked at the top of the wall. Right next to the ceiling I saw a sign written on butcher paper that went from one side of the lunch room all the way to the other. I started to read what was a beautiful letter expressing ones love to another. I continued to read admiring the time and effort that went into it. When I got to the end I read the words "Happy Valentine's Day Jared". Suddenly I felt very small. I forgot it was Valentine's Day and didn't have a gift or even a card for Krista. She had, in typical Krista fashion, gone all out to make sure there was no doubt in anyones mind where her affections were.

It's been 27 years since then and I haven't missed another Valentine's Day. Gifts to her have ranged from simple paper roses to hand inscribed Tiffany's jewelry. But no matter what the gift was I always made sure she knew of my undying love for her. She has been my sweetheart for almost 3 decades. I don't know of a day that I haven't let her know that I love her.

I have a picture of her in her wedding dress on the wall next to my side of the bed. Each night, before I fall asleep, I turn to her picture and blow her a kiss followed by the words "I love you". Tho tears follow most nights I have peace and joy in my soul knowing that we are bound together forever. And If I'm faithful to the end there is nothing that man can do to separate us.

Happy Valentine's Day Krista.

Love Eternally,

Jared

Two Down, How Many to Go?

Today marks two months since Krista's passing. It's been a time for use to figure out our routine as a family of three. Jacob and Emma have been a great help. Emma is so willing to do anything around the house that is needed. And Jacob has willingly accepted new responsibilities. I used to affectionately call him my little man, but he has been such a help around the house that I now call Jacob my big man. It's cute to see the pride in his face when I call him this.

We have been determined to maintain the routine and traditions that were so important to Krista and I. We have continued our family prayers morning and night, daily scripture study and Family Home Evening every Monday night. At first it felt weird without Krista there to participate but as we acclimated to our new situation we have felt the Spirit of the Lord attend us.

It is good to have the Gospel as a constant in our lives. It is our anchor and compass especially in times of trial. It is the one thing that doesn't change and will always point us back to our Heavenly Father and to our ultimate exaltation. And it is the one way we will be back in the arms of our mother, companion, wife and friend.

So despite my cooking (it's getting better) we've made it two months. It doesn't seem much compared to what we see ahead. But I know if we continue to cling to the Gospel of Christ we can make it no matter how long it may be.

If ye are prepared...

Monday night I had to run to the store to get paper lunch bags for a school project that Emma was turning in the next day. When I arrived at the store I was surprise by the hoard of shoppers I had to wade through just to buy some lunch bags. I didn't realize what was going on until I started talking to the lady ahead of me in the checkout line. We were expecting a big ice storm to hit that night and everyone was stocking up on food and water to last through the storm. This was a new experience for me. We have always had enough food, water and needed supplies stored in our home to last far beyond what any storm could last. I was thankful that we were prepared for such an emergency and didn't have to endure masses of frantic shoppers to make sure we could weather the storm. And what a storm it was this time.

Usually when it snows here in Plano it starts with freezing rain and sleet and by the time the snow hits the roads are covered in ice making it quite treacherous to drive anywhere. Schools and business shut their doors and people hide out in their homes until the ice thaws. Usually it only lasts a day or two. This time we had to wait four days before the roads thawed and life could return to normal. During that time, thanks to having a set of snow chains, we were able to get out of the house now and then. We had a great time checking up on friends, spending time with family and making it to one of the few good sledding hills in the area. Many times while we were out we ended up helping someone else get their car out of a snow bank or off the shoulder of the road. Being prepared for this situation made all the difference. Not only for us but others we were able to help because we were prepared.

A week before Krista passed away she was talking with her father about what was going on with her life. She recently finished her radiation and chemotherapy for the metastatic tumor that was on her spine. She had regained much of the mobility in her legs that was lost because of the pressure the tumor was placing on her nerves and the pain associated with that pressure was mostly gone. We were anxiously waiting her follow-up MRI and her oncologist appointment to see how effective the treatment was. All signs were pointing to the possibility of good news. But as she was talking to her father she mentioned that no matter what the outcome was or whatever happened all would be well. If she were to die it would be okay because she was ready and knew that the Lord would take care of her and her family. Krista had been preparing for this for years. It brings immense peace to me knowing that she was ready to leave this life and return to her Father in Heaven. Again, being prepared made all the difference. Definitely for her, but also for us and all those who love her.

We don't know what tomorrow will bring. Hopefully we can say the same thing whatever may happen, that all will be well. To have that peace is a great blessing. For the Lord has said "if ye are prepared ye shall not fear" Doctrine and Covenants 38:30

Passing the Baton

One thing I always admired about Krista was that she was always engaged in a good cause. She had too many things to do to not be. Today in church she was released from her callings as the Ward Music Specialist, Ward Choir Director, Cub Scout Bear Den Leader and Relief Society Instructor. It’s hard to remember a time when she didn’t have multiple callings at church. She was always happy to serve wherever and whenever she was needed.

Since Krista’s passing I have felt the weight of her responsibilities fall upon my shoulders. No longer do I have her to share the workload of cooking, cleaning, laundry, homework, shopping, paying bill and raising Jacob and Emma. And the list seems to grow daily. There have been other needs that exist because her death was so sudden and unexpected like figuring out what to do with her consulting business, her support group and website, her children’s book that is close to being published, her blog and many other little details that I have discovered over the last few weeks. These are the many things that give me little time to sit and worry about how things are going to turn out because I’m too busy trying to get everything done.

Today I’ve gladly accepted one more of Krista’s old responsibilities. I have been called to be the Ward Music Director. I’m responsible for selecting and leading the congressional hymns and arranging the special musical numbers for our weekly sacrament meetings. Though it’s only a little of what Krista did I’m glad to do it. I have learned from her to serve wherever the Lord needs me. No calling is too small, nothing we do for others is insignificant in the sight of the lord. As it says in Matthew:

"Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me." - St Matthew 25:40

I hope to continue Krista's legacy and always be engaged in a good cause and serve the Lord wherever and whenever He needs me. To serve the Lord we must serve others and it is in serving others that we forget ourselves and find joy and peace.

Month One

Those of you that regularly follow Krista's blog know that we keep track of many dates and loved to find reasons to celebrate. Every 20th of the month was our "month-a-versary" (it was always fun to see who would remember it first). We have the season of Jacob and the season of Emma which included their birthdays, homecoming days, adoption days and sealing days. We even celebrated the 12th of each month since her diagnosis as another month she outlived her prognosis.

Today marks one month since her passing. A lot has happened in that month. There has been a lot of pain, a lot of tears and a lot of heartache. On the other hand there have been many angels that have blessed my family through countless acts of service. There has been a lot of comfort given through friends and family. There has been a lot of thoughts and prayers for me and my family. And there has been a lot of tears of joy for the outpouring of blessings that we have received.

I have said many times that life is messy. If it weren't so we wouldn't learn and grow and reach the divine potential that is in all of us. The Lord wants us to trust Him in all things. During times of trial it is of utmost importance to trust in Him and rely on Him. If we do He will strengthen us to endure the trials that shall be placed upon our backs. And He will pour out His blessings upon us so that our burdens will be light. I have felt His love many times this past month. When the pain and sorrow seemed too much to bear I would fall upon my knees and plead with my Father in Heaven for the help and strength to endure. Every time He has blessed me with his love and peace and I knew that all would be well.

I know my Heavenly Father knows me and loves me more than I can comprehend. He has been patient we me and has lead me step by step to become what I am today. There is much more that I need to learn but I know with His help all things are possible.

Looking back at this month there is much to celebrate and be happy for. Most of all it is the "month-a-versary" of my dear wife's successful completion of her mortal trial. No longer does she need to endure countless MRIs, chemotherapy, radiotherapy, injections, blood tests, pain and sickness. She is in our Heavenly Father's hands now. And it is one less month till we are together, never to be separated again.

Lead, Kindly Light

When I was very young my mom endeavored to teach me to play the piano. I remember countless hours practicing while I wished I was doing something else a bit more entertaining. Whenever I would complain about it my mom would tell me that someday when I was a missionary I would be in an area where I would be the only person that could play the hymns for church. At that point I would just roll my eyes and get back to practicing still wishing I was elsewhere. Needless to say, my mom's prediction came true.

While I was serving a mission in Japan there was rarely an area I was in that had someone who could play the piano. I was able to provide the accompaniment to the congregational hymns for most of the two years of my mission. I'm thankful for a mother that had the foresight to not give up on a young boy knowing that the benefit greatly outweighed anything I lost. I never became a great pianist but I learned enough to play hymns (which was my mom's goal) and compose some simple arrangements and original songs.

Many times when I find myself alone with my thoughts and the pains of mortality I turn to the piano for comfort. Sometimes it's much easier to express my emotions through the piano then verbally. Today was one of those days. While flipping through the hymn book I came across "Lead, Kindly Light". This brought back a flood of memories and emotions. A few years ago Krista used the first verse in her post titled "One Step Enough For Me". She compared it with our experience of adopting our Emma. Showing that sometimes we just need to trust the Lord. Knowing that he has a plan for us should be enough. We don't need to know the outcome we just need to take that next step and put our trust in Him and let Him lead us to where He wants us to be.

Lead, kindly Light, amid th’encircling gloom, lead Thou me on!

The night is dark, and I am far from home; lead Thou me on!

Keep Thou my feet; I do not ask to see

The distant scene; one step enough for me.

As I sat at the piano reading the lyrics I got to the third verse with tears streaming down my face I read:

So long Thy power hath blest me, sure it still will lead me on.

O’er moor and fen, o’er crag and torrent, till the night is gone,

And with the morn those angel faces smile, which I

Have loved long since, and lost awhile!

I have lost my angel. Thankfully it's only for "awhile". I look forward to the day that we meet again, to once again see her smiling face and walk hand in hand. I know, with the Lord, we are never lost. He is the good shepherd and He knows his sheep. We must put our faith in Him and trust that He will lead through this trial, for there is no way around it. And if we are faithful we will reach the end of our journey and look upon His face and hear the words "Well done, thou good and faithful servant.. enter thou into the joy of thy lord." Matthew 25:21.

Magical Tender Mercies

Since October Krista and I have been planning a surprise trip to Disney World as a Christmas present for Jacob and Emma. After Krista passed away I thought about what to do and realized that Krista wouldn't want anything to get in the way of our plans for the kids. So after the last present was opened on Christmas morning I told the kids where were going the following Monday. Words can't describe the excitement expressed by Jake and Em.

The following Monday at 4:20am I woke the kids, packed the car and left for the airport.

We arrived at our hotel, Jambo House at the Disney World Animal Kingdom Lodge. Our room overlooked the "Savannah" where you could see zebra, impala, giraffe, antelope, wildebeest and many other animals roaming around.

Despite the cold and the parks being crowded nearly to capacity we had an wonder time. We saw shows, rode rides and ate more good food than we should have. The parks were lit up for Christmas with Cinderella's Castle covered in lights shining like a beautiful ice castle.

The highlight of the trip for Emma was a tossup between meeting "Prince Stitch" and the Princess Storybook Dinner at Epcot Center.

When we first arrived at Epcot center we saw Stitch signing autographs and taking picture. So we quickly got in line and waited. When it was our turn to meet Stitch he noticed the shirt that Emma was wearing that said "Someday My Prince Will Come" and indicated that he was her prince. He even signed her signature book as "Prince Stitch" and kissed her hand just as a prince would. Emma was smitten to say the least and even insisted on getting a Stitch stuffed animal before we left.

Later that day at the Princess Storybook Dinner she was able to meet Cinderella, Ariel, Princess Aurora, and Mary Poppins. But her favorite by far was Belle who signed her book "To: Emma Love, Belle" and even kissed her book leaving a lipstick kiss on the page.

Jacob loved the Stitch's Great Escape! Even though he was nervous while waiting in line and was scared a couple of times during the ride. But the biggest scare came early Friday morning.

When we were going to bed Thursday night Jacob was complaining that his stomach hurt. I thought it was just all of the food we had eaten that day and sent him to bed hoping he would feel better in the morning. But things just got worse. At about 2:00am Friday morning I was startled awake with Jacob crying and throwing up all over his bed and the floor. I quickly got up, cleaned him and the floor and took the bedding off of his bed and called housekeeping to bring new bedding and to further clean the floor. It took about an hour and three more calls before they came to the room with new linens and cleaned the floor. In the meantime Jacob vomited a couple more times and was complaining that his stomach was hurting. He didn't have a fever so I was hoping it was just bad food that needed to work itself out. I bought a Sprite for him to sip on in hopes of it settling his stomach. Nothing helped him feel better and he kept vomiting every hour or so until all that was coming out was saliva and mucus. I realized this was getting dangerous for Jake and called the front desk to see what medical options were available. they recommended a visiting doctor that I could make an appointment with. I called the doctor and after talking to him about Jake's symptoms he recommended that I take him to the ER. The hotel's concierge arranged for a cab to pick us up and take us to the local hospital's ER. They even gave us a voucher for the cab ride to and from the ER.

Once at the hospital they immediately hooked Jacob up to an IV and started giving him fluids to help with the dehydration caused by the vomiting. They also gave him a dose of Zofran to help settle his stomach. They then gave him an bottle of apple juice to sip on to see if he could keep it down. But after drinking only half of the apple juice Jacob started to complain and cry about how bad his stomach hurt. Shortly after that Jacob quickly sat up from the hospital bed and projectile vomited so hard it hit the wall 8 feet from where he was. We were quite scared at this point. I also realized that it was three weeks to the day from when I was with Krista in the ER when she passed away. I was worried about losing Jacob also and didn't know what to do. The doctor decided Jake needed a CAT scan of his abdomen in hopes of diagnosing the problem. The CAT scan showed that Jacob was constipated and other tests showed he was fighting a viral infection. The two together created a dangerous situation keeping Jake from being able to eat or drink anything. At about 3pm the doctor told us she wasn't comfortable releasing Jacob and wanted to admit him to the hospital for another 24 hours. I explained that our flight home was the next day and if he was admitted we would miss our flight and have to deal with the hassle and cost of rescheduling our flight. She finally agreed that if Jacob could keep down a popsicle for an hour or so she would be willing to release him. As soon as she left to order the popsicle we knelt down by Jacob's bed and prayed to Heavenly Father, acknowledging our faith in His ability to heal, and asking Him to heal Jake so he would be able to once again eat and drink and that we would be able to return home as scheduled. Things turned around rather quickly after that. Jacob ate the popsicle without any problems and kept it down. His stomach quit hurting and he was able to use the restroom. By the time the doctor came back to check on him he was smiling and cheerful. The doctor commented that it was the first time she saw him smile and that his complexion looked much better. After having him walk around the ER and pressing on his stomach she agreed to release him. At just after 5:30pm we left the hospital headed back for our hotel room. Needless to say we decided to forgo any New Year celebrations that night and go directly to bed.

I'm thankful for a Heavenly Father who loves us, who knows us and is concerned about our well being. I'm thankful for the power of prayer for I know that if we have faith for that which is right we shall receive it just as it is stated in 3 Nephi 18:20:

"And whatsoever ye shall ask the Father in my name, which is right, believing that ye shall receive, behold it shall be given unto you."

I also like the words from Ezra Taft Benson's Last General Conference Talk as LDS Church President:

"He wants to help you because He loves you, and He will help you if you pray to Him and ask Him for His help."

I know this to be true. I know God loves each and every one of us. He wants us to be happy in this life as well as in the next. If we will just follow his Son and our Saviour Jesus Christ He will give us peace and joy greater than anything we can imagine. And if we ask Him for that which is right, having faith in Him and His Son, he will give us what we ask for.

I'm thankful the the many tender mercies that the Lord has shown to me and my family, especially in this time of need.

‘Twas the night before Christmas...

‘Twas the night before Christmas, kids finally in bed,
Dreaming dreams of tomorrow and present ahead.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
With one stocking empty, it didn’t seem fair.


Together we planned for next morning’s first light,
With children all happy and joyful and bright.
Announcing a trip full of magic and fun,
But now the announcement was for us, minus one.


Somehow we were meant to be a family of three,
For this year’s Christmas, it just had to be.
For the Lord knows what’s best for each of his children,
To reach our potential, if we will just listen.


His plan may be tough, and yes we'll miss mother,
Yet our family still knows that we’ll be together.
When we finish our test, mother with us will be,
And we will no longer be a family of three.

Nothing's Too Hard...

Krista's mom has a wonderful assistant who came to Krista's services last week. She was very touched by the services and was thinking about us while riding home. During the trip she turned to her friend who was driving and expressed her concern about how hard it was going to be for Jacob, Emma and I. As soon as she said this she looked up and saw a billboard along the side of the road that read "Nothing's too hard for God". She commented about how amazed she was and knew that Krista was still working to lift her spirits, even from the other side.
Truly nothing is too hard for God. And with His help we can overcome all He ask of us. Krista wrote the following to her 2ofus4now support group on March 15th 2009:

"I really know -- that God made me and loves me, just like he loves you. Just like he loves my family. He knows what we need in order to be all that we want to be. Whether I live or die, all is well. It may not be easy for me or for my family, but all is well. Our loving God is in charge, and if we will just stop trying to grab the steering wheel, he will take us where we need to go."

I know this to be true. For some reason things have to be the way they are. Krista finished her test and was called back to our Heavenly Father before we expected. But she was ready. She had been preparing for this for many years and was ready to meet her Savior and receive her eternal reward. I also know that God love me and my family just as He loves you and all of His children. He knows me, knows how I feel. He knows how much I miss Krista and the worry I have about being a good enough father to help Jacob and Emma endure and overcome this trial. But I also know that He is there to comfort me when I'm sad, to strengthen me when I feel weak, and to encircle me with his perfect love when I humbly kneel before him and ask. I have felt his love and I know He lives.

Jared

Over the Years

I thought I should upload this for those who weren't able to attend Krista's services. This is her memorial video that was shown during her viewing.

Jared

The Little Things

Sunday morning while I was getting ready for church I went to throw away a paper in the master bathroom. The trash can has always been by Krista's vanity on the other side of the room. So as I had done countless times before, I walked across the room and dropped the paper in the trash. As I was walking away I realized that I ought to just move the can closer to my sink as I would be the only one using it now. Suddenly my emotions overcame me and I started to cry for there was one more thing to remind me of the passing of my dear wife and friend. I have since thought about that event and how something so small and seemingly insignificant could have such a profound effect on me.

Last night the doorbell rang, I knew what was in store. The Relief Society president asked if it would be okay for them to come caroling to our house to surprise Jacob and Emma with songs, gifts and letters about each carolers' memories of Krista. I quickly gather the kids and went to the door. Upon opening the door I was astonished by the sight. There were friends from our ward, school teachers, PTA associates of Krista's, neighbors and school mates. Our sidewalk and lawn were overflowing with angels that came to sing to us. There must have been at least one hundred people there to show heartfelt love and support for our family. There were many tears of joy as each person came forward to give us gifts, letters, hugs and words of comfort. It wasn't a difficult or miraculous thing each person did that night but added together they made a big impact on our family and brought a peace and love into our home that was needed in this time of loss.

We may never know the impact of the little things we do in life. Smiling at someone that walks by, holding the door for the person behind you, saying kind words or at this time of year sharing a sincere "Merry Christmas". Not only can it bring joy to the hearts of others but it will lift your spirits and instill in you a desire to do more little things for our brothers and sisters.

In Alma 37:6 is says "by small and simple things are great things brought to pass". You may never know the full impact of the little things you do every day. Let's try to make them all good things that together add up to be great.

Jared

Fought a Good Fight

2 Timothy 4:7
"I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith"

This is the second time that I have posted on Krista's behalf and it may be the last.

Thursday night we read scriptures with Jacob and Emma, had family prayer and gave the kids a kiss and a hug good night. That was the last memory they would have of their mother. Krista passed away Friday the 10th of December 2010 at 3:15am. She went quickly with minimal pain and suffering. The doctors at the ER did all they could but it was her time go. I was able to hold her hand at the end and with Bishop Moon at my side was able to offer a prayer releasing her from this mortal world to return to the care of our loving Heavenly Father. She has truly fought a good fight and kept the faith until the end. She has been an inspiration and comfort to many. She has mourned with those that mourn, comforted those that stood in need of comfort and stood as a witness of God at all times and in all things, and in all places (Mosiah 18:9). All this she did while she stood in need of comfort herself. She was a remarkable woman and I am honored to be sealed to her as her husband for all time and eternity. I know she will be missed by many.

Memorial services for Krista will be held on Thursday December 16th at 11:00am at the LDS Church at 2401 Legacy Dr, Plano, TX 75025. A public viewing will precede the services at the same location from 9:30am till 10:30am. All are welcome to both the viewing and the services.

I would like to thank all those who showed support and love and offered many hours of service to Krista and our family. We couldn't have made it this long without your help. I would like to thank the doctors that treated Krista over the years, especially Dr. Karen Fink and her wonderful staff. They have given us over 4 years that we didn't expect to have together. They have been the best years that we have had. And I would also like to thank the endless procession of "Angels" - as Krista would call them - who have lifted our burdens and allowed us to fully enjoy the last 5 years. We love you all.

Jared

It's Okay -- Probably/Hopefully

"I have a brain tumor. It's okay -- probably/hopefully, but I have a brain "abnormality" that the neurologist believes is most likely a tumor. Saw it myself as clear as can be on the MRI films."

This was what I said to friends and family in an email that ultimately became the beginning of this blog. It was November 21, 2005. (Happy Blog-a-versary!)

I haven't told the rest of the story about that day, but I remember it well. It was a Monday, and we were awaiting word from my neurologist about the MRI and EEG studies that had been done on Friday. He had already called on Saturday to tell me to start taking anti-seizure medication, but had no other details. We had an appointment for Tuesday morning to go over these test results.

Then on Monday morning he called me with an urgent request to meet that day. Pick a time, and he would work me in. Other planned appointments and diagnostic tests had been cancelled. This was a highly ominous conversation, and I was obviously concerned.

Two conversations followed after I hung up. One was a phone call to my husband at work, so that he could arrange to accompany me. The other was back at my bedside, on my knees, to pray.

What occurred during my prayer was highly personal and sacred and comforting. I believe in the Comforter -- the Holy Ghost -- and knew that he was communicating with me in direct and immediate response to my prayer. Personal scripture with direct relevance to my situation was silently but clearly spoken to my mind. Specific words from long ago that had previously seemed unimportant and would normally go unnoticed, were recalled to my mind along with the impression that they were meant for this situation. And then there was a feeling of peace that cannot be adequately described. I rose from my knees knowing that I was under the watchful care of a loving Heavenly Father, and that whatever this was, I would be able to handle it.

Admittedly, I was also hopelessly naiive. The neurologist was very kind as he described the MRI results and the neurosurgery that would result. I knew that my grandfather had died from a brain tumor many years before, but this seemed different. I took solace in knowing that this was likely a primary tumor instead of a metastatic tumor, and that it was in an operable location. I had no clue that primary brain tumors are quite often malignant tumors, or that anything life-threatening was going on (other than the risks of surgery). I thought brain tumors were only a big deal when they were not operable. I was healthy and could surely endure neurosurgery. It honestly seemed like my biggest concerns were whether to continue with my upcoming hair appointment, and how to manage the logistics of neurosurgery so close to Christmas.

After coming home and digesting this news I started telling my parents. I remember both my mother and my father being very concerned, and weeping at the news. I figured they were overreacting because of my grandfather's experience. But it was so long ago! And this is different! I talked about it as matter-of-factly as if I had a cavity that needed to be filled. ("Hey, Dad -- wanna see the MRI film? Here it is right here!") I did my best to reassure them that I was going to be fine. You can see what I wrote at that time, if you go to my very first posts on this blog.

Obviously as the story began to unfold, my naivety gave way to reality. The seriousness of the situation began to sink in, and things beyond our worst fears were starting to materialize. It became overwhelming. However, once the pillars of ignorance and innocence fell, I did not collapse. The experience I had in my room prior to meeting the neurologist was a strengthening one that provided an important support column. It was the remembrance of this very personal answer to prayer, the words that entered my mind, and the unmistakable feeling of peace that accompanied it, that became the real source of my strength and optimism. Other similar experiences followed when needed.

I was taught long ago that there are counterfeits for everything except the peace that is the hallmark sign of the Holy Ghost. Within the presence of that peace it is impossible for fear and doubt to abide. There are many good feelings and emotions, and I've experienced those, too. Feelings of love and relief and joy and hope and wonder, and so on. But when there is spirit-to-spirit communication with the Lord through the Holy Ghost, it is unmistakably and undeniably set apart from these other feelings, and it becomes the only reliable source of confirmed truth. My greatest desire is to live long enough to help my children learn to access and recognize this for themselves.

What I came to know on that fateful day was and is still true, and it has sustained me throughout five years that began with "It's okay -- probably/hopefully" and remains standing at "It's okay -- definitely/surely--no matter what."

Countdown to Blast-off

Yes, we passed another twelfth. Fifty-nine months since the word "malignant" was pronounced upon me. We're practically on top of that five-year survival mark that seemed like statistical zero at the time of diagnosis.

In fact, we're already five years from the time of my first "seize the day" episode. November 13, 2005, was the Sunday morning when I had a seizure while getting Emma dressed for church. We had no idea what had happened. Three days later, on the 16th, I had a series of episodes that led to a wrong diagnosis by an over-confident ER physician. Finally, on November 21, 2005, we saw an MRI scan with some kind of abnormality that looked like a tumor. We had no idea what it was until surgery on December 12 revealed that it was a malignant tumor. I knew then that I had cancer. And on December 14 our worst fears were realized when the cancer ended up being a grade IV glioblastoma. Statistically speaking, five year survival was considered a miracle at that time.

So we're counting down to December 12, when we can celebrate the completion of my "high-five" year of survival.

We're also counting down what I call the "blast-off". As in, my final radiation blast is tomorrow morning. And hopefully we'll get all that blasted glioblastoma blasted off into oblivion!

Life Goes On

I have a new nephew! Caden James Ralston was welcomed into the world last week, to the delight of his mom, dad, brother, and sister.

A friend of mine lost her husband a few years ago. (Actually, I shouldn't say she lost him, because she knows very well where he is, which is a very comforting thing.) Anyway, as we talked in the days following his passing, she commented that when a person is born into this earth there is great anticipation and joy. And she felt certain that when a person is due to return home from whence we came, there is probably similar anticipation and joy for those who have preceded him and long to greet him.

During her pregnancy my sister-in-law had to deal with Braxton Hicks (false labor) contractions for several months, which thankfully did not result in premature birth or any complications. (Just maybe a great opportunity to play the guilt card later!) Caden was born healthy and beautiful and perfect...and at the right time for his mission in life. It was so nice to see him, fresh from heaven and ready to take on the world with a loving family surrounding him.

Meanwhile, I'm hoping to emulate his example of crossing the veil at just the right time...and not a moment too soon!

Home Stretch

I love it when my blog title has a double meaning.

I am home, stretching my muscles right now after Saturday's Brain Tumor Walk. It was a great event, raising over $1 Million for the National Brain Tumor Society, which puts a lot of money directly into research.

Our "High Five" team ended up with only three official members, because our daughter was too young to register. However, we still had many generous donors, and I appreciate each one!

We had a great time. Many volunteers donated food, drinks, and bounce houses to make it a fun event. The kids had a great time, and even had a chance to meet other children affected by brain cancer. Some of the children were feisty survivors themselves, and some had parents who were survivors. One of the highest fundraising teams had just lost their captain to a brain tumor the week before, and there were poignant "We Miss You, Mom" signs being carried by her children. One of the other teams donated part of their money to her team. It was a day filled with courage and support and lots of positive things being done about an otherwise awful situation. I always believe that God is so good, He can make good out of anything, and this was one example of how that happens -- especially when people are willing to help.

Five years ago I was training for a 5K run when I started having seizures. This year I thought I would train to run this 5K event when I ended up with a spine tumor. I decided to stop telling myself to train for 5K events...and I stopped preparing to run this one. I thought I would just sneak up on myself and see how much of it I could run. I ended up learning that I need to re-learn how to run! I think with everything that had been going on with my back and my legs and the foot drop thing...and the lack of running for so long...I just need to retrain some of my muscles. It just felt kind of weird to run, like I needed to remember how. I was stable enough -- didn't fall into the Trinity River that ran along the course -- but I did take it in walking and running intervals just to be safe. I would pick a landmark, like a tree or a pole and focus on running toward that. And then I would walk to the next item and try again. It worked out well, and I was happy with my time -- and the fact that I was doing this when last month I had foot drop and couldn't walk on my toes!

We are approaching the home stretch of the treatment game. Six more radiation sessions. Five more weekly Topotecan injections through the "oh my -- a reservoir." A few more rounds of Avastin. About a week left of nightly Temodar. Things are still very tolerable. So far bone marrow has been holding strong, which has kept me in the game. So far, CSF remains clear, with protein levels decreasing (a hopeful sign). Pain is also decreasing, which is another hopeful sign.
For some reason I have managed to lose some weight and spend a lot of time happily pulling clothes out of storage that have been mocking me for the past five years! (That's been my favorite side effect so far!) I still have my moments when I need a serious nap during the day -- and I remember from my first radiation adventure that the fatigue wall really starts to hit toward the end -- but still, there really isn't anything to complain about, all things considered. We'll get through this home stretch, and then we have a pause before we know the actual score. The Mets didn't have a great season on the field, and I'm praying that they will continue to lose here!