Friday, March 31, 2006

Worse I felt = better I got??

I keep thinking about that Lance Armstrong quote: "The ironic thing was, the worse I felt, the better I got."

Boy, if that's the true measure of improvement, then I must be sailing toward remission, because I feel pretty darn lousy!!!!!!

I am transitioning to a new seizure medication, which is nice, because the fevers and chills are finally going away. My personal record was 105.8, and I'm glad to know that it can remain on the record books for a while without challenge. A week of high fevers has taken its toll on me, though. I feel pretty sapped and sore and miserable. In addition, the new medication has its own side effects - especially dizziness and fatigue - so basically I would easily fail a sobriety test. Good thing I neither drive nor drink!

The silliest thing is this "dysesthesia" on my back. It basically feels like my back is sunburned. I feel it when I sit or lie down and my clothes come into contact with my back. I feel it when I walk, and the impact of each step is painful. I feel it when my husband lovingly hugs me or caresses my back. Love the thought - but OWWWW!

Right now I spend a lot of time in bed, trying to recover. But I feel like an invalid. I am so limited as to what I can physically do right now. It's frustrating. I prefer to feel vibrant and alive, like I did when I could clog dance and run on my treadmill. Instead, I feel like someone who is dying, and that's not the feeling I want right now. I want to be feisty and full of energy to fight this battle. I want to be physically fit, because that may be a lifesaver. I realized that if I am sedentary and packing on weight again, that's a sure path to developing diabetes. If I develop diabetes, that's a sure path to being a non-ideal surgical candidate. And that means I may be more likely to have an "inoperable" tumor, if one recurs. And an inoperable tumor may simply mean a matter of time before my time is up. Not a good way to go. I really want to get up and run. But I can't. I can barely walk across the room at a normal pace. I usually shuffle slowly like an old man in a nursing home. It's crazy. I keep thinking of the Lance Armstrong quote, and I tell myself I must be getting better. And in time, I will also feel better. At least, I hope!


Proud Daughter of Eve said...

A time to every purpose under heaven. Now it's time to recover from the fevers; later it'll be time to exercize. Remember, taking care of yourself and being healthy means knowing when it's time to rest as much as it means keeping active. (I wish I could get my mother to remember that.)

I'm glad to hear your fevers are going down. I'd rather you not feel lousy at all but if it's a step in the right direction then I'm with you and Lance Armstrong. :)

You and your family are often in my prayers. :)

Jina said...

I inadvertently stumbled across your blog site.....and was at once both stunned and happy that this is actually you! My long lost friend from high school. It does my heart good to see you and Jared still together. A match made in Heaven surely! I am also so saddened to hear of your struggle. You are still the brave optimistic shining star I grew to love so well some twenty-odd years ago. I will keep you and your family in our prayers.

God Bless You,
Jina (Hancock) Jumper

PS - Your kids are darling!