Saturday, December 10, 2005

Counting Down

I had my type and screen blood work done yesterday. I also checked to see if the hospital received the EKG and chest x-ray that had been done in the ER at another hospital last month, because they need those records as part of the pre-op testing. Unfortunately, something got lost in the cracks, so I had to go to the other hospital and stand there, waiting for them to make me a copy of my records, so that I could hand-deliver them to the hospital where my surgery was taking place. As I left that hospital with all the checklist items checked, it occurred to me that I had taken another step toward actually having this procedure done. It made it real. It made it kind of scary.

My husband had a similar experience. He left the office yesterday, knowing it was his last day for several weeks. He also felt that countdown feeling, like we were getting closer and closer to this critical moment. It's a sobering feeling.

I am afraid. It seems odd, since I have had a general sense of overwhelming peace and comfort, like everything will be okay. I have complete trust in the Lord's will. And yet I have some fear. I think the reason is that I am dreadfully anticipating the unpleasant parts of this process. I am reminded (and PLEASE don't think I am trying to make a blasphemous comparison here) of how Jesus Christ had such perfect faith in his Father's will, yet asked to let the cup pass "if Thou wilt". It sounds like there may have been a complete understanding that all would ultimately be well, but also that there was a difficult path through the process. This is what I relate my experience to (again - in a non-blasphemous way!). I know that the Lord's will is ultimately right and good, yet I know that I am not exempt from fear, pain, and all the other stuff that mortality throws our way sometimes. So I am anticipating moments of pain, fear, and stress, and I have a natural feeling of dread about them.

I am afraid of waking up and feeling pain. The emergence from surgical anesthesia is never pleasant, and there is typically a feeling of disorientation. When there is also pain, that can be scary. Also, in past surgeries I was anxiously asking my husband about the outcome before my eyes were even open. I have a feeling that I will be desperate to know the verdict - benign or malignant - and combined with the disorientation and pain, this seems to be a nightmarish thing to wake up to. And, of course, if the news is bad, there will be the additional devastation on top of everything else. It is this waking moment that scares me more than anything - even more than the idea of dying during surgery. But we are to endure all things, and I am sure that despite being scary and hard and horrible, I will somehow endure it. I am being sustained by the faith and prayers and love of many. I think they will help me through this.

Today has been a day of tying up loose ends where possible, trying to get the house in order, and doing everything else that is needful to prepare for surgery and the long recovery process. I told my husband to make sure our son knows what a joy he is to me. I hope he also tells our daughter about the inspired process that brought her to our family. I hope everyone in my family knows of my love for them, and knows of my testimony of faith. I don't mean to sound like I am preparing for the end, but it's like having a will prepared. Hope you don't need to use it anytime soon, but it's good to have around so you don't have to worry.


elaine said...

Krista, we're fasting for you. Lots of love and prayers - elaine in Colorado

Claudia said...

Hi Krista: I'm glad you posted these very honest fears; now I can focus my prayers even more. I've been praying for a successful procedure, etc. Now, I will also pray that your fear be lifted from you so you are awakened to a peaceful calm and the good news that all our prayers have been answered. May God bless you and give you peace, Claudia