Thunk!

Today was my appointment with the radiation oncologist. Again, it was a very reassuring visit. The doctor is not only well skilled, but he is a prostate cancer survivor, so he understands what it is like to be on the patient side. And the facility is very inspiring and informational. There was a social worker, too, who loaded me up with many helpful resources.

As with yesterday's appointment, things went very well, with one exception. As with yesterday's appointment, my entrance to the exam room was preceded by a step on the scale.

THUNK!

A few years ago I dropped 85 pounds. It was great. I loved how I looked, felt - everything! Plus as part of the weight loss process, I established my "exercise every day - no excuses!" policy. And I did it. For nearly three years, until I had my surgery I was vigilant about daily exercise, and it helped a lot. Even in the hospital I tried to do what I could, and was so happy when the physical therapist would show up.

The "THUNK" I experienced this week was the sickening realization that the combination of steroids, holiday treats, and post-op ban on exercise had taken their toll in moving the scale almost halfway back to my starting point. I knew something was up beforehand, because the contents of my closet were shrinking. I always got rid of my "fat" clothes whenever they became too big. "Never more," I thought! It's a strategy designed to keep things in check. But instead, I found myself stomping around the closet with nothing to wear. I expected a little bit of a setback. But this time it is very disheartening. It's not completely back to square one, but it's pretty bad. Most people who battle their weight have dysmorphia - an incorrect perception of what their body actually looks like. Even with that realization, I swear I see my "before" picture every time I pass a mirror. It's gross.

The worst part about it (other than the zillion other things that are bad about it) is the fact that this is the year of memory-making. We bought a new video camera for recording things for posterity. We are going on trips, where I know we will be taking lots of photos. My mom recommended that I get a nice studio portrait done before I start losing hair. I am cringing at the thought of having "fat pictures" again, because it was so fun to be smaller and unafraid of what the camera recorded.

I have been cleared for walking, so I have to find a way to get back into the "exercise every day - no excuses" mode. It's challenging, because I get so tired and sick feeling at times. But we did go for a nice long walk last week, and it felt good. I just have to figure how to fit it in somewhere in my crazy days. I'm not allowed to return to strength training yet, which was a key component of my exercise regimen, but I need to put some (cancer-riddled) brainpower to figuring out what I CAN do, and how to get it done!

I need the next THUNK to be the drop of the needle on the scale!